Right Wing Demon Monster Spawn

© 2009 John P Hewitt

I’ve been thinking a lot about the right wing crazies lately — the folks who are convinced that global warming is a myth, that President Obama isn’t a citizen, or that the government should keep it’s hands off Medicare. How did they become the base of the GOP? Why are there so many of them? What rock did they crawl out from under?

The explanation, it turns out, is genetic. They cavort in a gene pool with demonstrable origins in the far depths of American history. It all goes back to Anne Hutchinson and her demon spawn.

You remember Anne Hutchinson, right? A heroic woman of 17th century New England? Key figure in the the antinomian controversy of 1636-37? Banished from the Massachusetts Bay Colony? Later killed by Indians?

OK, maybe you’re a bit rusty on the details, so let’s review. Hutchinson had the temerity to presume that as a female she could interpret the bible — yes, I know, it’s hard to believe — hold discussions in her house unsupervised by clergy with both men and women present, and question the authority of the Puritan fathers. She thought that a person could know whether or not she was predestined to be saved by having a direct spiritual experience with God. You didn’t need the clergy to tell you what to believe, or to supervise your behavior. Clearly that kind of thinking was dangerous and had to be stopped. (You thought the Puritans came to America for religious freedom?)

Hutchinson was accused of licentious conduct and, worse, of spreading the antinomian heresy, which was the 1630s version of being called a socialist. She was brought forward on charges — several months pregnant, she was forced to stand for days on end and defend herself — and in a trial in 1638 she was convicted on a trumped up charge of failing to honor her father and mother. She was later banished to Rhode Island (see Williams, Roger), and still later moved to what is now the Bronx (yes, that Bronx) and was eventually murdered by Indians. Massachusetts Governor Mike Dukakis (see Horton, Willie, victims of) pardoned Anne Hutchinson and removed the banishment order in 1987.

What does this have to do with contemporary right wing crazies? Patience! There’s one more thing. Remember John Winthrop? Sure you do — early Massachusetts governor, he of “City upon a Hill” fame (see Reagan, Ronald), organizer of the Winthrop fleet that in 1630 brought 700 Puritans and their livestock from England to Massachusetts. Governor Winthrop was Hutchinson’s chief accuser, and compared to him Karl Rove was an amateur at mud slinging. Hutchinson’s pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Not one to miss an opportunity, Winthrop accused her of delivering monsters — not just one, mind you, but perhaps thirty misshapen, evil lumps out of one miscarried pregnancy. Naturally, these grotesque offspring were taken to be a sign of her punishment by God.

No way, you’re thinking. Couldn’t have happened. Winthrop was making it up. If the monster babies are a sign of anything, it’s the Puritan fathers’ warped minds and fevered imaginations.

But what if Winthrop was speaking the truth? We don’t know for certain that Anne Hutchinson didn’t deliver thirty monsters. Maybe she was impregnated by Satan, who was evidently a frequent visitor in the Massachusetts Bay Colony. Or, worse, by an ancestor of Senator Coburn (R, Oklahoma), or of Governor Sanford (R, South Carolina), or of another of that multitude of concupiscent vermin crawling around the nether parts of today’s political landscape. It’s possible. It could be true. Stranger things have happened. We haven’t seen her medical records. It’s like the mystery of Barack Obama’s birth. I mean, they say he has a birth certificate from Hawaii, but I haven’t seen it. Neither have you. We have to take these questions seriously.So we’ve established that Anne Hutchinson may have probably delivered thirty or more monsters into the world. They must be dead by now (or else 372 years old), but their descendants live, and it’s obvious who they are. The Puritans were pretty much an over-sexed lot, so it stands to reason their deformed children would have been too. So it is likely they bred like rabbits and populated the world with even more libidinous offspring who had Anne Hutchinson’s balls but none of her values. These demon monster spawn are today wandering the corridors of power, the halls of Congress, the conference rooms of conservative think tanks, and the studios of Fox News, CNN, and right wing radio stations. And they are the major contributors to the gene pool of the Republican base.

Understand I’m not blaming Anne Hutchinson. It’s not her fault she got knocked up by a bad seed. She’s still a hero. It’s her descendants spreading that seed about whom we should be concerned.

Therefore, I challenge the right wing crazies: Senators Inhofe, Coburn, Ensign, you have some ‘splainin’ to do. Representative Pickering and Governor Sanford, same for you. Prove you aren’t the descendants of Anne Hutchinson’s demon babies. Prove that the “C Street Center” — the row house located at 133 C Street SE — where you folks hang out is just a convenient place to live, and that “The Family” that operates it is just a nice group of folks. Convince us that what takes place there is on the up and up and that it’s not just a front for licentious conduct. Show us your birth certificates and the birth certificates of your ancestors. And no electronic facsimiles, please. Prove that you and the other members of the ridiculous right aren’t descendants of monsters. If you can’t, then away with you. Because nowhere in the Constitution is it written that demons and monsters have the right to vote or hold office. Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and Bill O’Reilly — show us your pedigrees. Prove you are not the inevitable result of four centuries of constant inbreeding among monster demons. Show us the gene pool you’ve been swimming in. Otherwise, get lost. All of you.